How many years of your life have you spent trying to make your body smaller?
Seriously. When did you first start thinking about losing weight? High school? College? After your first baby? Maybe even earlier than that.
For a lot of women over 40, this didn't begin when perimenopause showed up. We've been doing it for decades. We've lost weight, gained some back, tried another diet, and decided we were going to be really good this time.
Then life happened. And eventually, we found ourselves right back at, "Okay. Monday. This time I'm really going to do it."
Now our bodies are changing, our lives are full, and we're still asking the same question: How do I make my body smaller?
You can still want to lose weight. But maybe you're also ready to ask what else you want for your body. Strength training after 40 gives us something else to work toward, even if learning to value that progress takes a little practice.
You can want weight loss and want a different approach
You're allowed to want your clothes to fit differently. You're allowed to want to lose body fat or look at a picture of yourself and like what you see.
But there's a difference between wanting to lose some weight and spending your entire life trying to make yourself smaller.
I remember being part of a program when someone asked me where food freedom fit into what I was doing. My answer was basically that whenever I started gaining weight, I would repeat the diet.
And I remember thinking, I don't want to do this for the rest of my life.
I didn't want food to be a game in my head all day. I didn't want to follow something perfectly for six weeks and then feel relieved to quit. I definitely didn't want to lose the same 10 or 20 pounds over and over again.
If you've reached that place too, you're allowed to ask whether you want to keep approaching your health the same way.
When getting stronger still does not feel like enough
Strength training has changed so much for me because I love having something to work toward beyond another smaller number. Picking up a weight I couldn't lift before feels good.
But here's where things can get complicated: What happens when you want to get stronger, but you're still judging everything you do by whether it's making you smaller?
Maybe you finish the strength workout you planned. You challenge yourself, practice the movements, and rest between sets because the weights are heavy for you.
Then you look at your watch.
"That's all the calories I burned? I could have burned more on the treadmill."
Now you're wondering whether you should add more cardio or another little workout to make it feel like you did enough.
Or maybe you've been lifting for a few weeks. You're getting more comfortable and choosing heavier dumbbells. But the scale hasn't done what you wanted, so you start thinking the workouts aren't working.
Y'all. You just told me you're getting stronger. Then one number showed up and apparently canceled the entire celebration.
If you've spent years using exercise to lose weight, it makes sense that you keep looking for weight loss as proof that your effort counts.
I know that connection well. During my years of running and training for endurance events, I spent plenty of time thinking about how much I could eat because of what I'd done. Exercise and calorie burn were very connected for me.
Picking up dumbbells doesn't automatically change those expectations. You can change your workout before you've changed what you expect that workout to prove.
Give strength training after 40 a goal of its own
When you make time to strength train, let that workout matter for the thing you're practicing. You're learning to lift. You're working on getting stronger. Those goals deserve some attention of their own.
At this point in my life, I want strong legs. I want to travel and carry my own suitcase. I want to get down on the floor and know I can get myself back up.
And yes, I would very much like to continue getting myself off the toilet when I'm 80. Very high-level athletic goal over here.
Those things matter enough to me that I'm willing to put time into them, even when that time doesn't come with a smaller number on the scale.
Can getting stronger be something you give time to now, while you still have other things you want to change?
I've heard women say they'll lose the weight first and then work on strength. They'll get back into their clothes and feel better about themselves, and then they'll start lifting.
You're allowed to care about being strong in the body you have right now. You don't have to finish changing it before you start learning what it can do.
Notice progress beyond the scale
When you've spent years approaching your body with a list of things to fix, someone asking what you want to build can leave you a little speechless.
You can tell me exactly how many pounds you'd like to lose. Ask what you'd like to be able to lift, and suddenly you have no idea.
That's okay. You haven't spent 25 years thinking about that question. Give yourself a minute.
Maybe you'd like to walk into the weight room and know what you're doing. Maybe you'd like to stop automatically reaching for the same dumbbells because you're nervous to try anything else. Or you'd like to carry your kid without immediately looking for somewhere to put her down.
Motherhood remains a strength sport, in my opinion. Nobody asked how much I could squat before handing me a child and all of her belongings.
Your goal doesn't have to impress anyone else. It needs to be something you care about enough to practice.
Then let yourself notice when that practice pays off. Figuring out a machine you've been avoiding matters. So does realizing a weight feels more manageable or spending less of the drive to the gym trying to talk yourself out of going.
You don't have to love every picture of yourself to feel proud of your workout. You can feel frustrated with your body and still say, "I did something today that matters to me."
When your first thought is, "Yes, but have I lost any weight?" try making room for another question: What am I getting better at?
Getting stronger does not require another perfect plan
Food is part of this conversation too. But I don't want strength training to turn into a whole new collection of rules you have to follow perfectly.
Some of us can turn absolutely anything into a new assignment. "Great. Now I need to lift, eat perfectly, get all my protein, sleep beautifully, and somehow stop being stressed."
How we eat matters. I want you eating in a way that supports your workouts and your life. I also want you to have dinner with your family without spending the evening planning how to make up for it tomorrow.
You can care about nutrition and still enjoy a cookie. You can take getting stronger seriously without turning your whole life into a project you have to manage perfectly.
I want strength training to become something you can keep doing and know how to return to when a week goes sideways. It can belong in your life during the months when weight loss isn't your main focus too.
Choose one thing you want to build
Here's a question to spend a little time with this week:
What do I want to build, and what would tell me I'm working toward it?
If you want more confidence in the gym, you could learn how to use a piece of equipment you're unsure about. If you want to get stronger, write down the weights you're using so you can look back and see how far you've come.
If you're still thinking about starting, that first workout can help you learn what you can do today.
Choose something specific enough that you'll recognize it: "I knew how to set up the machine this time." "I lifted that weight with more control." "I went even though I felt awkward."
When it happens, acknowledge it before immediately asking whether your body looks different yet.
You can still want weight loss. You can still want your clothes to fit differently. But your body deserves goals bigger than simply becoming smaller.
We've spent a lot of years trying to shrink ourselves. Now let's build something.
