You Don’t Have to Hate Your Body to Change It

Have you ever thought that maybe if you disliked your body enough, you would finally change it?

Maybe if you were frustrated enough with your stomach, you would finally eat better.

Maybe if you felt guilty enough after overeating, you would have more discipline tomorrow.

Maybe if you were embarrassed enough about your weight, you would finally get serious about going to the gym.

Somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned that being mean to ourselves was motivating.

But what if it isn’t?

What if you can want to lose weight, get stronger, improve your health, or feel better in your clothes without hating the body you’re living in right now?

Because those two things can coexist.

You can want change and still treat yourself with respect today.

When Did Talking Badly About Our Bodies Become So Normal?

I was recently at a family get-together, and throughout the day there were several conversations about weight and bodies.

Nothing dramatic. Just little comments here and there.

Someone talked about how much they disliked their stomach and wanted to get rid of it.

Someone else talked about trying to lose weight and go to the gym but feeling incredibly self-conscious while they were there. They worried that the people who went to the gym all the time were looking at them and wondering why they were there.

There were conversations about fasting.

Comments about food.

A few, “I’ll do better tomorrow” statements.

And then one conversation really got me.

Someone I love looked at herself and basically said, “Everybody else is beautiful, but I’m not.”

And I remember thinking: That is not true.

But she believed it.

By the end of the day, I kept thinking about how easily we do this.

We say things about ourselves that we would never dream of saying to somebody else.

And we’ve gotten so comfortable doing it that sometimes we don’t even realize how harsh we’re being.

We’ve almost made body criticism part of the weight-loss process.

If I hate this part of my body enough, maybe I’ll finally fix it.

But you don't have to hate your body to change it.

Wanting to Lose Weight Isn’t the Problem

Sometimes conversations around body image swing so far in the other direction that we start acting like wanting to lose weight is automatically wrong.

I don’t believe that.

I help women lose weight. It’s literally what I do.

You’re allowed to say:

“I would like to lose weight.”

“I don’t feel my best right now.”

“I want my clothes to fit differently.”

“I want to get stronger.”

“I want to improve my health.”

Especially during perimenopause, your body may be changing in ways you weren’t expecting. Maybe weight is showing up differently around your middle. Maybe you don’t feel like yourself. Maybe the things that worked for you ten years ago don’t seem to work anymore.

You’re allowed to want something different.

The problem isn’t necessarily the goal.

The problem is when the conversation becomes:

“I hate myself until I get there.”

Because what if losing the weight takes six months?

What if it takes a year?

Are you supposed to spend that entire year criticizing yourself?

And what happens when you finally reach the goal?

Do you magically become kind to yourself?

Usually not.

If you’ve spent years training your brain to look for everything that is wrong with you, it will probably just find something else.

That’s why we have to separate these two thoughts:

I want to change something.

and

There is something wrong with me.

They are not the same thing.

You Don’t Have to Earn Your Place at the Gym

One of the conversations that really stuck with me was about feeling uncomfortable at the gym.

This person was doing exactly what we tell people they should do.

They were showing up.

They were exercising.

They were working on their health.

And yet their brain was telling them everybody else was looking at them like they didn’t belong there.

But think about that for a second.

You aren’t supposed to become fit before you’re allowed to go to the gym.

How exactly would that work?

The gym is for the person who has worked out for 20 years and the person who started yesterday.

It’s for the person lifting 300 pounds and the person learning how to squat.

It’s for the person who feels completely confident walking through the door and the person who sat in the parking lot for ten minutes trying to convince herself to go inside.

You do not have to earn your place there.

And I want you to remember this:

Just because you feel judged doesn’t mean somebody is judging you.

The feeling is real.

But the thought doesn’t automatically become a fact just because it feels true.

Why Do We Give Everyone Else More Grace?

Think about the women you love.

You look at your friend and think she’s beautiful.

You look at your daughter and think she’s beautiful.

You look at your sister and see the whole person.

But then you look at yourself and immediately zoom in.

Your stomach.

Your thighs.

Your wrinkles.

Your arms.

Whatever your thing is.

Everybody else gets to be looked at as a whole person.

But so often, we look at ourselves one body part at a time.

And no, I’m not going to tell you to stand in front of the mirror tomorrow and declare that you love every single thing you see.

If you don’t believe that, it’s probably not going to help.

There is a lot of room between:

I love everything about my body.

and

I hate my body.

Maybe the middle sounds more like:

“This is my body today.”

“This is the body carrying me through my life today.”

“I can take care of this body today.”

“I don’t have to insult myself every time I see my reflection.”

That counts as progress too.

Food Guilt Keeps the Cycle Going

Then there are those familiar food comments.

“I’ll do better tomorrow.”

I’ve said it too.

But sometimes I want us to stop and ask:

What exactly are we saying we did badly?

Maybe you went to a family gathering.

You ate really good food.

You had dessert.

Maybe you had seconds.

Maybe you even ate past the point of comfortable fullness.

Okay.

That’s information.

But sometimes “I’ll do better tomorrow” really means:

“Today I was bad.”

And if today was bad, what does tomorrow suddenly need to look like?

Less food?

No dessert?

Skip breakfast?

Extra exercise?

No carbs?

And now we’re right back in the same cycle.

We eat more than we planned.

We feel guilty.

We restrict.

We get overly hungry.

We eat more again.

And then we blame ourselves.

There is a difference between noticing a behavior you want to change and using that behavior as evidence that something is wrong with you.

You can say:

“I ate more than felt comfortable tonight.”

That’s an observation.

Or you can say:

“I have no self-control. I always do this. I’m terrible at this.”

One helps you learn.

The other attacks your identity.

Giving yourself grace does not mean ignoring what isn’t working.

I believe in correction.

We can look at something and say, “Okay, that didn’t go the way I wanted. What happened?”

But correction does not require condemnation.

You do not have to tear yourself down before you are allowed to make a different choice.

Is Being Mean to Yourself Actually Working?

Somewhere along the way, we learned that criticism was motivating.

“If I tell myself how bad I’ve gotten, maybe I’ll finally take action.”

“If I shame myself after eating, maybe I’ll make a better choice next time.”

But I want you to ask yourself whether that has actually worked.

Not for three days.

Not for the Monday after vacation.

Long term.

Has criticizing your body helped you develop a peaceful relationship with food?

Has telling yourself you're lazy helped you enjoy exercise?

Has being embarrassed about your weight made walking into the gym easier?

Has calling yourself names made you more consistent?

Maybe shame creates urgency for a little while.

But urgency and sustainability are not the same thing.

And if you are looking for sustainable weight loss—especially during perimenopause—we have to build something you can actually keep doing.

That means learning how to separate your behavior from your worth.

4 Ways to Start Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself

You don’t have to completely transform your body image overnight. Start smaller.

1. Catch the Sentence

This week, start noticing what you say about yourself, both out loud and in your own head.

Maybe it sounds like:

“I’m so fat.”

“I look terrible.”

“I can’t believe I let myself get like this.”

“Everyone is looking at me.”

“I have no discipline.”

“I was so bad today.”

Don’t worry about immediately replacing every thought.

Just catch it.

Some of us have repeated these things for so long that they no longer sound mean.

They sound like facts.

Sometimes simply noticing the sentence is the first time you realize, Wow. I would never say that to someone I love.

2. Ask: Is This a Fact, a Feeling, or a Judgment?

I love this question.

Let’s say you walk into the gym and think:

“Everybody here thinks I don’t belong.”

Is that a fact?

Did every person in the gym turn around and tell you that?

Probably not.

Maybe what is actually true is:

“I feel self-conscious here.”

That feeling is real.

But “everyone thinks I’m taking up space” is a story your brain added to it.

Or maybe you look in the mirror and think:

“I look awful.”

Is that a measurable fact?

Or is that a judgment you’re making because you’re having a hard body image day?

Maybe the more accurate statement is:

“I’m having a hard body image day today.”

You aren’t pretending everything is wonderful.

You’re just being accurate.

Feelings deserve to be acknowledged.

Judgments do not have to become facts.

3. Replace It With Something Respectful

Notice I said respectful, not positive.

Sometimes positivity feels fake.

If you look in the mirror and genuinely don’t like what you see, replacing “I’m disgusting” with “I’m the most gorgeous human being alive” probably isn’t going to land.

Your brain is going to say, “Nope.”

Instead, try something you can actually believe.

Instead of:

“I hate my stomach.”

Try:

“I’d like to lose some weight around my middle.”

Instead of:

“I’m the fat person at the gym.”

Try:

“I’m someone at the gym working on my health.”

Instead of:

“I was so bad with food today.”

Try:

“I ate differently than I wanted. What can I learn from it?”

Instead of:

“I’m ugly.”

Try:

“I don’t feel confident in my appearance today, but that doesn’t determine my value.”

You do not have to lie to yourself.

Just stop using cruelty as your default language.

4. Make Your Next Choice From Care, Not Punishment

This is where it comes back to weight loss.

Let’s say you ate more than you wanted at dinner.

The punishment response says:

Skip breakfast tomorrow.

Work out extra hard.

No carbs.

Be better.

But what would taking care of yourself look like?

Maybe you eat breakfast normally.

Drink some water.

Go for a walk.

Eat lunch.

Get some sleep.

And maybe you get curious:

Why did I eat past comfortable fullness?

Was I starving?

Was I distracted?

Was the food just really good?

Now you’re learning.

The same thing applies at the gym.

Punishment says:

“I don’t belong here until I lose weight.”

Care says:

“I feel uncomfortable, but I still deserve to be here.”

And then you walk in anyway.

Your Body Can Be a Work in Progress Without Being the Enemy

You don't have to hate yourself into your next healthy choice.

Your body can be something you're working on without being something you're constantly fighting.

You can say:

“I want to lose weight.”

And still respect yourself today.

You can say:

“I want to get stronger.”

And still appreciate what your body can do right now.

You can say:

“I don’t like the way I ate tonight.”

Without turning that into:

“I don’t like myself.”

I don’t want you to stop having goals.

Goals help us move forward.

But I also don’t believe we were meant to spend our lives standing in front of mirrors insulting ourselves, walking into gyms wondering whether we’re allowed to be there, or turning every family meal into evidence that we need to “do better tomorrow.”

There is another way.

And I believe it starts with learning how to correct without condemning yourself.

One Thing to Try This Week

Pick one sentence you regularly say about yourself.

Maybe:

“I’m so fat.”

“I look terrible.”

“I have no willpower.”

“I don’t belong here.”

Catch it.

Then ask yourself:

Is this a fact, a feeling, or a judgment?

And find one more respectful way to say what is actually true.

You don't have to fix your entire body image this week.

You don't have to suddenly love every part of yourself.

Just change one sentence.

Because you are allowed to want something different for your body without making who you are today unacceptable.

You don't have to wait until you have the body you want to start treating the body you have with respect.

You can start now.

While you're losing the weight.

While you're learning to lift weights.

While your clothes fit differently than you wish they did.

While you're still figuring out your relationship with food.

You are still you.

And you are still worth taking care of.

Struggling With Evening Eating?

If you do pretty well during the day but nighttime is where everything seems to fall apart—snacking, grazing, looking for something sweet, or standing in the kitchen wondering why you can't stop eating—this is exactly what we're working on inside my 4-Week Evening Eating Reset.

We’ll figure out why your nighttime eating is happening, look at the patterns that are keeping it going, and build a plan that actually fits your real life.

The next group starts October 5, and I’m keeping it small with only 8–10 women so we can actually coach through what is happening in your evenings.

One month. One problem. Let’s figure out why your nighttime eating keeps happening and build a plan to move forward.

Click here to join.